MUSIC BEAT recently caught up with Mr. “Doodle-de-Do”  himself, golden age crooner Max Fleming, on the eve of what could  be a major comeback – the release of Max Fleming Duets, which pairs  him with such artists as Jewel and Gnarls Barkley. He told us about  the album, the sessions, and his place in history, speaking with shocking candor about the time he beat up Eminem, the time Britney Spears begged for his hand in marriage – and the decline of Frank Sinatra. Interview by Splint Wegmond.

Q: MAX FLEMING, why this? Why now?

A: I don’t know, my agent said I had to. I don’t like to do interviews. The only thing  I care about is art. Art and a good pickle, I like a good pickle.

Q: The list of artists you’ve collaborated with on this project is really quite impressive. How did you choose who you wanted to work with?

A: Oh, I don’t know. They gave me a list, I picked some names. It’s whoever the kids like.

Q: So they’re not favorites of yours?

A: No.

Q: I see. Well, tell me what it was like to work with Green Day, for example.

A: I don’t like Green. He’s a sweaty kid. I once worked with his father, Dennis. Also 
sweaty.

Q: How about –

A: You know, a lot of people in show business are very sweaty. It’s from the lights. Also from being an idiot. Jolson – sweaty. Sinatra – sweaty.

Q: How was working with Alanis Morissette?

A: Allan Jones – sweaty. You don’t remember Allan Jones, but you wanna know how big he was? You see my pinky? It’s bigger. Is this coffee? Offer me something.

Q: Would you like some coffee?

A: Don’t do me any favors.

Q: Anyway, back to your new record.

A: I have a new record?

Q: Max Fleming Duets.

A: Yeah, yeah, that’s right, Max Fleming Duets. It’s something for the kids. You know, people under fifty. A lot of people don’t remember Max Fleming. But this is it, boy. I’m making a comeback, which is obviously the most spectacular comeback in the history of show business.

Q: Will there be more, after Duets?

A: Yeah. This is just a bunch of duets with whoever the kids like, to introduce me to the new generation before I take them by storm. Pretty soon it’s gonna be me on the top of the charts! Meeeeee!

Q: Of course, other performers of your generation have released albums of duets with contemporary artists.

A: This one is the best. The others were amateur night. Sinatra’s duets, he’s singing with every two-bit goon who ever touched a microphone, but he’s not singing with Max Fleming. Tony Bennett’s duets, you didn’t even have to ask to be on that record. People are on it who didn’t even know about it. They woke up one morning, there was Tony Bennett. Begging them to help revive his career. Tony Bennett is nothing. He’s nothing! And is he singing with Max Fleming? No. A terrible record.

Q: Did you ever listen to it?

A: I looked at it, that was enough. The point is that my record is the best, because my record has Max Fleming on every single track.

Q: Now, one interesting thing is that on the Sinatra and Bennett duets albums, they’re  singing Sinatra and Bennett songs, whereas in this case, the songs are from the catalogues of the people you’re singing with. Why is that?

A: Nobody can sing my songs but me. With those other guys, with Frank and Tony, it was like, please, somebody help me sing this song! I can’t do it anymore! I need an assistant now, I need a goddamn intern to get through my hits! I was there, goddamnit – Frank was weeping, weeping to his agent, “Please, Abie! I can’t do it anymore! Get k.d. lang! Get anybody! I’m a dead man, Abie…I’m all washed up. Max Fleming was right, Abie! Years ago Max Fleming told me that even though I was on top then, one day he would be remembered as the greatest American vocalist of all time, and I’ll be remembered as a tone-deaf bum! Max Fleming was right, Abie! MAX FLEMING WAS RIGHT!”

Q: I have to say, this sounds a little…are you denying that Frank Sinatra was a great and important figure?

A: But notice what you said. Was. He was great and important. Now it’s Max’s turn!

Q: I’m just surprised at your tone. I mean, the man is dead.

A: Believe me, the man was dead in 1962.

Q: Okay. So was it a challenge for you to sing some of this material? A lot of the choices are quite audacious…Eminem’s “Lose Yourself,” for example.

A: Piece of cake. Let me ask you something, have you ever listened to a Max Fleming song? Have you ever heard “Make a Wish Upon a Lovedream?” Do you know anything at all about music, or are you just jerking off? If you can sing “Make a Wish Upon a Lovedream,” trust me, “Lose Yourself” is like going back to kindergarten. Kindergarten for the slow, you know what I mean? And I’ll tell you something about M&M’s – at our recording session, I beat him up.

Q: Was there an altercation?

A: Yes, there was an altercation. I beat him up, that was the altercation. I didn’t like the look on his face. I don’t like little girls who pretend to be men. I put him in the hospital. I don’t think you’ll be hearing from M&M’s in quite some time.

Q: Were there any other incidents like that during the Duets sessions?

A: Not like that, no. Britney Spears asked me to marry her.

Q: No – really? She’s already married, for one thing…

A: Begged. Begged for my hand. Pathetic. It was just like Marilyn Monroe when I met her. She said, “Max Fleming, let me be your love slave, or I’ll kill myself.” Well, I thought she was kidding. A girl like that sees Max Fleming for the first time, a funny thing happens, she forgets her husband’s name. And she never remembers it again. She goes home and says, “Who are you?” Max Fleming is a husband eraser.

Q: So are you going to marry Britney Spears, then?

A: I’m not ready to settle down.

Q: Another striking thing about Max Fleming Duets is that the musical arrangements, and even the vocal performances of your guests, are uncannily similar to their original recordings. Was that your choice or theirs?

A: Theirs. I wrote new arrangements for everything, new lyrics too, made those songs about nine hundred million times better, but it was too challenging for these people. I kept simplifying and simplifying, but nothing is simple enough for Celine Dion. She’s dumb like a horse. Finally the band says, “Look, if we play it exactly the way it is on your record, do you think you can handle it?” These kids can’t improvise, and I can, so that’s what happened. You know, most of these singers are starving to death, because kids don’t pay for music. They go on the computer and load it down. If a kid did that to me, he wouldn’t get away with it, boy! I’d say, “YOU PAY FOR THAT SONG, YOU LITTLE BASTARD!” and I’d give him such a smack he’d swallow his own head!

Q: I take it you don’t spend a lot of time on the computer?

A: I am on the computer. There’s a kid, Noah Diamond, he made an Internet of me.

Q: Yes, what exactly is your connection with Noah Diamond?

A: What are you implying?

Q: He seems to be the world’s foremost authority on all things Max Fleming.

A: Then why did he cut me out of that show?

Q: Oh, yes, you’re talking about Burning Bush, which he and Amanda Sisk –

A: Cut me out of the show! The little prick.

Q: Okay. Well, thank you for taking the time to answer these questions. Is there some final message you’d like to end with?

A: He’s a prick.